Okay, I didn’t think I would have breaking news for this blog, but what do you know…
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 01 April 2011 Pacific Time
On the heels of the armchair-elephant-expert viral video released at the end of March by GoDaddy CEO Bob Parsons, and the network congestion caused by discussion of the end of Internet Protocol Version 4 (IPv4), GoDaddy’s technology team has announced that they will be open-sourcing their implementation of a new standards-track protocol for remotely tying panties in knots over networks including the public Internet.
According to GoDaddy Tech Team PR representative Ellie Fantt, this protocol, Panty Knotting over Internet Protocol or PKoIP, has been proven in real-world tests to be able to cause underwear to be knotted at distances of thousands of miles. “We are very pleased as a company to build on our expertise in televising attractive women in tight shirts, with this new technology for remotely manipulating lingerie using a subcarrier channel over existing video and text communication methods.”
“We definitely benefited from the availability of our GoDaddy Girls,” Fantt added, “many of whom are located in disparate geographical locations and most of whom wear panties. This simplified early testing, both of our implementation of PKoIP and of our new GoDaddy Girl lingerie line. We really feel that we are innovating softwear manipulation technology in the industry.”
David 3Com, founder of 3Com Networks, spoke highly of the protocol’s network independence. “We were concerned when early versions of the protocol spec came out, as they counted on passing through equipment of a certain color that we were not able to license for our equipment.” 3Com was appearing at a press conference with John Pancho, CPO of Cisco, who added that there was an active interest across many competing vendors in making sure that the protocol would tie panties of any color, whether Cisco’s studly industrial green or 3Com’s quaint baby blue.
Janice Trunkly, an Internet expert on elephant population control and African agriculture since March 2011, was one of the first experts to go on record as supporting the new protocol. “As an expert in elephants and new Internet protocols for some time now, I can say conclusively and authoritatively that this protocol is not funny. I just got my new supercomputer at Wal-Mart and found out elephants were dying, and this is an obscene way for some rich guy to promote a new protocol, even if it does work, and even if I had never seen an elephant before last week.” Six of her Facebook friends, five of them experts on elephant population and new protocols since April 2011, agreed completely with her assessment. One friend, Jim Ratt, added, “and why are they picking on that Charlie Sheen fellow? If I had porn stars living with me, I’d do live tv shows too!” Shortly after the comment, Mr Ratt was removed from Ms Trunkly’s friends list, but retained his expert title.
Independent testing labs are currently testing the protocol’s effectiveness on various styles of undergarments. The initial proof of concept was done with thong panties, and thousands of incidents of anecdotal successes across a wide range of styles were reported in the late March public alpha test, but a more thorough, statistically significant test including men’s undergarments and so-called “commando” styles will be required before the IETF will initiate standards consideration.
The initial implementation is not perfect, however. “With various protocol translaters and proxies,” Fantt said, “it has even been shown to work with near perfect efficiency over cellular data networks and on smartphones. However, the current implementation is not able to function consistently on AT&T’s iPhone. Some users of that device may find that the protocol does not correctly register. As are many other developers, we are actively working with Verizon to fix this. “